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【付き合う前後の恋愛観】ラブラブから倦怠期まで男女の違いとは？
Invisible children. Do you see your children?
Of course, because you have eyes.: Here's the baby, here's the head and legs. But I'm not talking about the physical appearance, not about the color of the eyes and hair, but about who your child is. Do you know what he wants, what he enjoys, what his inclinations and preferences are?
There are many emotional states that poison our lives. These often include: anger, envy, comparisons, etc., etc. But for some reason you don't often find "expectations" on this list. But it is often expectations that catastrophically spoil our lives: they do not allow us to enjoy the present and see loved ones as they really are.
Our expectations of children
You must agree that as soon as we find out about pregnancy, we immediately begin to wonder: is it a boy or a girl? Then we draw ourselves a picture of an ideal birth, the first minute of a baby's life, an ideal infancy, build a kindergarten-school-university chain in our head, then we marry and start waiting for grandchildren! We are constantly expecting something from a child who has not even been born yet. And there's nothing to hide: we often get angry when things don't go exactly as we imagined.
And as soon as a child is born, it is as if he is forced to comply with the prescriptions of smart uncles, aunts, who decided everything a long time ago and published a bunch of treatises on how much and when a child should sleep, eat, how many months to crawl and sit.
I remember that when I was reading thick encyclopedias on child care, I wanted to meet in person, no, even drag these professors to our house and violently gesturing to make them explain how it is that our daughter sleeps 4 hours a day instead of the promised twenty?
As the child grows, expectations grow: he will be the perfect child, a calm, sweet toddler, sitting on a mat and assembling a Lego set for two hours in a row, smiling and laughing and understanding the word "no" the first time. When this doesn't happen, it feels like you've been tricked and you didn't sign up for it.
Does the child have to meet expectations?
Parental expectations accompany a child throughout his life, and this applies to everything: behavior, choice of friends, profession, even appearance. Most often, they are "on the side" of their parents, beneficial only to them, and completely disregard the interests of children who remain "invisible" all their lives and are forced to defend the right to be themselves: to have their own interests, hobbies, choose a different life path, be uncomfortable, angry, upset, and not live the ideal life of their parents.
I remember how in the first few months of our daughter's life, I didn't understand what was going on at all. After all, I imagined everything like this: "In a beautiful crib that we lovingly chose, a little lump lies in lace diapers, sweetly sniffs, smiles with a toothless mouth, stretches its arms to a mobile phone with teddy bears, and then in the evening we slowly walk along the alleys in the park with a stroller. I'm in heels, in full dress (makeup and curls), walking arm in arm with the happy head of the family." The reality was different: I carried the baby in my arms all day, my daughter basically did not lie in bed, the mobile phone did not arouse any interest at all, and on the street my husband and I took turns stupidly rocking the stroller with stone faces, with traces of prolonged lack of sleep. Of course, there was no question of any heels, makeup or hairstyle.
Looking back on that time, I think it was hard going through it, primarily because I had specific, vivid images in my head: "How it should be," and everything that somehow did not fit, went beyond the rigidly set limits, I categorically rejected. The image of an ideal child prevented me from seeing our daughter: with beautiful purple blueberry eyes, defenseless, suffering from unfair pain, looking for care and warmth. And it was expectations that made it difficult to find opportunities to relax, recover, and take such behavior more calmly.
When we began to get enough sleep and adequately perceive reality, we saw Anya for real. At that moment, our first Meeting with her took place, at the age of 5-6 months. And although it's not always possible to maintain this state of pure sanity, I already know for sure that my expectations, my irritation, are not my daughter.
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